Wednesday 22 November 2006

How to Beat Up a Pine-Cone

Should you find a pine cone on your put-me-up bed, this must be dealt with immediately and convincingly

First, lie down next to it, belly flat on the floor. Surprise it by darting out a front paw and batting down on one side of it, so that it spins in one spot, making an interesting rustling noise. Do this several times. Occasionally dart out your nose and mouth it, but do not bite it yet. Wag your tail at it. Bounce around changing your position so that it does not get used to where you are, all the time batting it and mouthing it.

Try a yap if you think that a) that will help and b) you can get away with it. The louder, high piercing one will be most effective.

Leap at it in a small pounce but not in such a way that you cannot retreat at high speed if it does anything unpredictable. Keep an eye on the brindled cat. She pretends she is mean, and if you bounce near her she may hiss and whack you across the nose. Luckily she's a big soft old sod really, and she will keep her claws sheathed

Should your cone become bored with this game, leap on it more convincingly, holding it down with both paws, and start to rip out the cone's segments. These will come away with a satisfying crunch and can then be bitten through and killed, so that they do not move any more. Continue ripping till you have a scrawny stem section and a good, wide pile of splintered coney bits.

This will keep the Dyson-beast entertained for a while and may win you lots of Brownie points with the local humans

Good luck

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